


This is where we start again

by tryalittlejoytomorrow



Series: A collection of keys and the patience we need (to start again) [2]
Category: Hunger Games Trilogy - Suzanne Collins
Genre: Romance, mending friendship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-16
Updated: 2015-05-16
Packaged: 2018-03-30 20:40:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,478
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3950977
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tryalittlejoytomorrow/pseuds/tryalittlejoytomorrow
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>She thinks of Annie and Finnick in Thirteen, how jealous she'd been of them for being so sure of each other and their love, and now she feels it too.</p>
            </blockquote>





	This is where we start again

**Author's Note:**

> Title from Goo Goo Dolls' "Come To Me."
> 
> Hope you enjoy. :)

Her fingers tremble around the door knob and she lets it go as if it’d burned her, quickly turning around and leaning her back against the wooden door, her breathing quickening and her eyes snapping shut. She can’t do it; she just _can’t_.

 

“Gale did _not_ kill Prim, Katniss,” Peeta says in that soothing voice, so calm and comforting that it’s a testimony to how far they’ve come that Katniss doesn’t scream vicious things at him or run as fast as she can for what he’s dared utter.

 

Instead, she inhales deeply and exhales slowly, willing herself to relax and let him tether her like he always does. She used to hate it, how dependable on him she’d become, but today she needs him more than ever; today, she’s agreed to meet with the boy who’s been such a huge part of her life for so long, and who now only reminds her of death and doom. The Hawthornes are coming back to Twelve after staying in Two for the past year, and Gale’s flying with them.

 

She’s not ready for this.

 

Katniss doesn’t think she’ll _ever_ be.

 

But Peeta is right and she knows it; deep down, she knows that none of them will ever be at peace if they keep holding onto their fear and anger. It’s misplaced and misdirected; the ones who hurt them, who took so much from them, are long gone, and she’s letting them win by resenting the living. “I know,” she finally says, her voice just as weak as her knees. Peeta feels it and reaches an arm out for her, pulling her to his chest, and she holds onto him like he’s the only thing tethering her to the world and _he is_ , God, he is and she just can’t do this and why is he so reasonable and calm about this when she’s _anything_ but. “I can’t…” she murmurs, her voice muffled against the fabric of his shirt.

 

“He’s your best friend,” Peeta says softly, one hand twined in her hair, the other rubbing up and down her back. “He needs totalk to you, and _you_ need it, too.”

 

She wants to say that it’s not true anymore; that Gale was her best friend once, but now she has him and Peeta is her _everything_ , her hope and her salvation, the only one who makes it bearable to simply exist in a world where so many others have left. She wants to tell him that he makes her want to live and not just survive, and that she’s afraid that seeing Gale will just send her spiraling down in that darkness inside of her soul that lurks around and tells her that she doesn’t deserve any of this, that she doesn’t deserve to find joy and love and claim them as her own because they’re all dead because of her. She thinks of Gale, and it’s her own guilt that comes screaming at her. Seeing him again, talking to him…it’s more than she can handle.

 

“Will you come with me?” she pleads in a whisper before she can start feeling guilty for needing that from him. She feels Peeta press a kiss to her forehead, and Katniss straightens, finally meeting his gaze. “Just…walk me by, okay?” she goes on. “I can’t – I just want to lock this door forever and forget about the world, you know? I don’t…”

 

His hand slides down her arm to find her smaller one, and his fingers entwines with hers in a gentle lock. “Okay,” he says, giving her hand a small squeeze. She lets him lead her out, focusing on the warmth of his hand as they walk. Peeta’s warm and steady and kind, everything he was not after they rescued him from the Capitol; everything he’d always been, and everything they’d taken from him. His hold on her is gentle, soothing; the feel of him beside her helps her heartbeat return to normal. She’s almost calm when they reach the meadow. “It never ceases to amaze me,” Peeta starts, with that tone that’s so soft and those eyes that are so beautiful, “how it just grew again on its own.” He bends down, and plucks a daisy before delicately tucking it behind her ear. “You’d think after the bombing, it wouldn’t. But it did.”

 

She knows he’s not just talking about the miracles of nature, and how spring comes even after the wildest of winters. He uses words like he does his hands, carefully and reverently against her skin or a canvas and Katniss wishes she could do that, too, because nothing amazes her more than the very fact that despite all of that happened, they remain. “It did,” she echoes simply, leaning on her toes to press a kiss against his lips. “Thank you,” she murmurs after she reluctantly pulls back, and he touches his forehead to hers as her feet find the ground again. “Be home when I come back?” she asks.

 

“I think I’ll go see Mrs. Hawthorne and see if she needs help moving in,” Peeta replies. “Bring in some bread and cakes.”

 

Katniss smiles, so much it almost hurts. She breathes deeply one last time before turning in the opposite direction, leaving the meadow and Peeta behind her to enter her woods.

 

She peeks over her shoulder to look at him, and all of a sudden he’s eleven, their eyes locking for just a second during recess at school.

 

Years and layers of blue bruises and red burn marks later, and he’s still the most beautiful thing she’s ever seen.

 

* * *

 

She’s nervous and loud, and it’s a good thing that the people of the district don’t need her to feed them because there’ll be no game today. The mines have closed and the meadow has grown, and some took to farming, planting seeds and learning secrets from the earth. Twelve is no longer the starving district where everything is dark and coal; the fence is down and people come and go, the train stopping by more often with family and new friends, fish from Four, grain and cereals from Eleven, or camera crews from the Capitol, sent by Plutarch Heavensbee for posterity. Some things change and others remain.

 

The woods will always be _theirs_. Their safe place, their real home. People have stopped fearing them and some even sought out Katniss for hunting lessons, and she’s shared her knowledge of plants and animals willingly, but some things never change and the woods belong to she and Gale. She can’t imagine hunting with him again, trusting him and his instincts, but she swears she can feel his breath on her neck on windy days, or hear his hearty laugh as the breeze brushes past the tree leaves. He’s gone and he’s there, and she reaches their spot and _he’s really_ _there_.

 

She’s so loud he must have heard her, but Gale remains still, waiting for her to approach him. She stops to take him in, the tension in his shoulders, how they look broader, his clothes that are just as unfit for hunting as hers. Katniss wonders for a minute if it’s for her sake or if he no longer trusts her either.

 

Her legs start working again and she goes to sit beside him, tucking down the skirt of her dress as she does. Effie would be proud of her, she thinks, only after blaming her for wearing such a lovely dress to go out in the woods. It’s simple cotton, soft evergreen, and it reaches her knees; it’s the perfect dress to run in the meadow and feel the grass brush against her skin. It’s the perfect dress to be happy and free.

 

She doesn’t know if she’ll ever be free from her demons, but she can’t deny how happy Peeta makes her. There are days when she hates herself for it, because Prim will never hold hands with anyone and Annie’s son will never know his father; but today is a beautiful day, the sun is shining bright and the birds are singing and she wears her hair down in waves just like Peeta loves it and she doesn’t know what she loves best, Peeta or the way he loves her. He loves her like she deserves to be loved and maybe that’s the key, maybe that’s why she’s still fighting in a world that’s finally at peace, fighting to stay afloat instead of drowning in her misery.

 

“Gale,” she finally says, breaking the silence. Never has it been this painful. They used to navigate in these quiet, peaceful moments, seamlessly understanding each other with a look or a simple touch, and now the silence feels heavy and excruciating, filled with the voices of the dead.

 

“Hey, Catnip,” Gale says. “I wasn’t sure you’d come.”

 

A small smile twitches at her lips. “I wasn’t sure I’d come, either,” she admits, her fingers nervously playing with the zipper of her father’s jacket. She chuckles as she rethinks her earlier statement about Effie being proud of her. “How’s Hazelle? And the kids?” she asks.

 

Gale turns to face her, and he’s just the same at the same time as he’s a completely different person. He’s taller and broader and well-groomed, wearing a nice shirt tucked into pants that must cost more than everything he’s ever owned. He’s someone important, Katniss has heard. Still; the idea of Gale Hawthorne, the boy who cussed at the Capitol in the woods, now being part of the new government is so weird, almost surreal. “They were missing home,” he replies, and the longing in his voice is so clear that a shiver runs down Katniss’ spine. She could never imagine living anywhere else but here, so she understands his pain; she’s not sure she could live near him, though, if he ever decided to come back.

 

“I’ll get to take Rory out hunting,” she says. “That is, if he’s still interested.”

 

“Not in that dress,” Gale chuckles, and God, Katniss just wants to close her eyes and pretend that none of this chaos ever happened and they’re still _them_. “I didn’t know you owned a dress,” he adds, “I mean, a real dress, none of these costumes you had.”

 

The wedding gown. Her Mockingjay outfit. These ridiculous shoes she could never walk in without her feet hurting for a day or two after. Glitter and feathers and pearls. Flames and ashes and danger. She’d spent months between the hands of her prep team, and then staged as the leader of the rebellion by Plutarch. Magnified by Cinna’s talent. She resents the Capitol’s actions, Coin’s chess game, but never her friend. She still keeps all of his art work at home, silk and lace and velvet resting forever in her closet. Cinna could turn the simplest fabric in a thing of beauty, and the dress she’s wearing was made for her. Not for the little darling of the Capitol, not for the Mockingjay. _For her_.

 

She gives Gale a shy smile, not really ready or willing to explain. Some things change, and Katniss has come to understand that it’s not necessarily a bad thing. She wears dresses and moans when Peeta gently nips on that spot just behind her ear, but she’s still _Katniss_ ; she’s just found a new side of herself. A side of herself that she could share with Gale someday – just not today. She thinks of meeting in a few years and maybe talk and not just speak; talk about life and love and happiness as if they deserved it.

 

“Is he okay?” he asks then, filling the silence with questions that haunt them both.

 

The genuine concern startles her. It’s not like she still thinks of the three of them in terms of rivalry and winners and losers, but Katniss can’t deny she’s surprised. “He’s good,” she says, allowing herself to be happy for a second. Because this is true. Peeta’s good. There are still moments when she’s afraid that he’ll realize that the images in his head may not be real, but that _she_ is the real monster and that he’ll leave her, but this is about her and it should be about him. So she’s happy that he’s learning to fight the vivid flashbacks, and be in control of himself again. For some reason, he’s still there even if she thinks that she’s done everything for him to fall out of love and she loves him so much for this and it is _absolutely_ not what Gale asked. Katniss blushes faintly, her hand lifting instinctively to the daisy tucked behind her ear. “Things are good again,” she finishes.

 

“It’s good to see you,” Gale says. “Like this. _Happy_.”

 

“Are you happy?” Katniss asks, and her heart aches because she’s afraid of the answer. She’s terrified that if he says yes, she’ll hate him; if he says no, she’ll hate herself. She knows that if Peeta was here, he would tell her to stop hating everyone but the people who should be blamed.

 

Gale bites on his bottom lip, seemingly looking for the right words for a moment. “You’re alive. My family is, too. We’re trying to build a new world where no one will have to fear for their lives. It’s the closest to happy I can get, I think.”

 

“I love him,” Katniss blurts out. “And I can’t be sorry for that.”

 

Gale shrugs, a gentle smile adorning his lips. “I know. I’m not asking you to,” he says. “I’m just saying. Life is good but it could be better.”

 

“I love you too,” Katniss continues, not really paying attention to what he said. She stands up, brushes dirt off her dress. “I always will. You’re a piece of me.”

 

“You’re a piece of me, too,” he says, standing up. “But it doesn’t have to be a huge piece.”

 

“Just a tiny piece,” Katniss agrees. “But it’s still there. It’s a part of me. You’re a part of me. Just like… _them_ ,” she adds in a whisper, unable to say their names. Prim. Her father. Finnick. Cinna. Madge. Boggs. And more. She realizes she needs to let the living in. Gale. Her mother. Haymitch. Greasy Sae. Annie. Johanna. _Peeta_. He’s in and he’s all in and he didn’t ask for her permission and she’s glad he didn’t because she would have been stupid and refused, but he’s there and he’s not going anywhere and the living and the dead are inside her and for the first time today, at peace.

 

They gather flowers and berries on their way home.

 

For so long, _this_ , the woods and Gale, were her home. For the past year, or maybe three if she thinks about it, Peeta’s arms and his warmth and steadiness have become her safe haven.

 

She realizes today that the flaw in the system was to think they _had_ to be two separate things, when they both make her whole.

 

* * *

 

Hazelle wraps her up in a tight hug before pulling back, still holding her at arm’s length. “You’re looking good,” she says, finding curves instead of bones under her calloused fingers. “Must be that bread,” she laughs, nodding at the treats Peeta brought. “Your boy is out there on the patio with Posy,” she adds before Katniss can even ask.

 

She just smiles at the comment, because really, why wouldn’t she? Peeta’s hers and she’s his and the possessiveness doesn’t suffocate her anymore. Instead, it’s his constancy, their certainty that fills her lungs. She thinks of Annie and Finnick in Thirteen, how jealous she’d been of them for being so sure of each other and their love, and now she feels it too and she won’t be embarrassed about it.

 

Gale goes to help his brothers and Hazelle with unpacking, and Katniss goes to the patio where she indeed finds Peeta and Posy, heads together over a sheet of paper. The little girl is curled on his lap as if it was the most natural thing to do, and her eyes are gleaming and wide as Peeta draws flowers and butterflies and dreams.

 

“Hey,” Katniss says, taking a seat opposite them at the table. Posy gives her a bright smile, but doesn’t move from Peeta’s arms. “I see you two are busy.”

 

“Peeta’s going to paint my room!” Posy beams. She pushes the piece of paper towards Katniss to show her, and squeals for ten good minutes about his muffins and how great Peeta is.

 

Katniss can’t help but agree.

 

* * *

 

Gale stays for four days, until his family is fully settled. They live in the Victors’ Village, three houses down Katniss and Peeta’s, and Hazelle goes to Haymitch’s the day after they’re back to resume her work of trying to keep the place somewhat clean and healthy.

 

She’s trying, but it’s hard, seeing him for four days after trying to forget him for an entire year. Katniss watches as Peeta and Gale build shelves or talk about life in the district, and she doesn’t know yet how to fit between them.

 

Peeta invites them all over to their house for the last dinner before Gale goes back to Two, and she bursts out in tears when they have to say goodbye.

 

Her tears soak through Gale’s shirt and Peeta stands there, his heart swelling up in his chest from both heartache and sheer joy.

 

* * *

 

“You’re my best friend,” she says against his mouth that night. “You know me. You get me,” she adds, biting down a moan as Peeta’s teeth dig gently in the sensitive skin of her neck. She tries to say many other things but he already knows it all and soon, the only thing that matters is not to tell him how much she loves him but to _prove_ it, to _keep proving_ it every day, even when she feels so broken that she can barely breathe.

 

He’s stolen her breath away a long time ago, anyway.

 

* * *

 

Letters come. From her mother, from Annie. Sometimes Johanna calls and says nothing, but they always know it’s her. She breathes hard, on the verge of tears, and then Katniss has to leave because no matter how close they’ve gotten, there are things that Johanna can only talk to Peeta about.

 

Effie comes often. She doesn’t wear as much make-up as she used to, and even though she still has a thing for flashy colors, she doesn’t look as overdressed anymore. People have stopped thinking of others in terms of district numbers or Capitol members, and Effie’s so dedicated to her new job that no one sees her as the woman who sent kids to slaughter. President Paylor gave her a spot in her government, and Effie’s in charge of visiting the districts to meet their needs of food, industry or textile. She checks everything and has whatever’s needed sent within a week.

 

One day, Katniss calls Gale.

 

* * *

 

“It was always you,” she tells Peeta, her heart colliding in her chest and her hands trembling as she holds onto his for dear life. “I’m sorry it took me so long to get it.”

 

He silences her with a kiss because she needs to stop apologizing for what happened and what could have been because _this is happening now_. They bleed and they cry, but they also love and laugh and live and apologizing for their past is shaking the foundations of their future.

 

She built walls around her, and he took them down one by one. With his arms around her after a nightmare. By taking as much pain as he could – and even more – to protect her. By falling in love with her all over again.

 

Their bread goes forgotten as he lies her down by the fireplace, and the heat that’s been simmering since that kiss in the cave takes over again, like it has so many times before, and she’s heard that some say the world will end in ice but now that she’s tasted desire, Katniss knows she’ll always favor fire.

 

* * *

 

During one of his episodes, a couple months after he returned to Twelve, Peeta had told her that she was stuck with him because no one else knew what to do with them.

 

She’d said not real, over and over again, and yet not really believing in it.

 

Now, she does.

 

Maybe no one else knows what to do with them, but she’s definitely not stuck. She chose him. He came uninvited and unwanted, and despite her best judgment he took root and there’s no getting rid of him – she knows now that this was _never_ an option.

 

He also said she was stuck with him when all she wanted was Gale.

 

She’d kissed him, then.

 

* * *

 

She takes him to the lake.

 

He’s in her world and in her woods and inside her and she feels complete.

 

* * *

 

_the end_

 

 

 

 

 


End file.
